My feelings are all over the place today.
I woke up disappointed but managed to make sure that I look better than usual. I didn’t put on makeup but y’all saw the selfies of me in that hat and they do not tell lies. I mean, that filter is a low level filter but that’s all me!
I left the house sort of on time but when I parked at school I stayed in my car. That happens to me sometimes, I get to a place and just sit there waiting for my body to say, okay, open the door. Sometimes I don’t open the door; sometimes I just sit berating myself in my mother’s voice silently until my class is over, then I leave.
The words STRESS EAT are flashing through my head but I managed to order something healthy at Sweet Bay even though my tear-streaked face was asking for Tiramisu and a grande cup of whipped cream and Oreos mixed in. That girl sees me on the reg so now she’s gonna be like, aww look, she crazy too, just like me. Honestly half the reason I didn’t get out of my car once I got to campus is because I kept telling myself that I should go inside and get Chick Fil A biscuits and gravy. I’m at a good weight, I’m down a chin so I have one more left to destroy.
I am a half functioning anxious person and I drive me crazy. If I could break up with me, I would. By the way, I’ve been broken up with in every relationship I’ve ever had with the exception of this (which he tried to do a few times in his defense) and I get it now. It’s hard handling me.
I get it, I’m the woman of your dreams and your worst nightmare. Not that sorry about it.
I thought about all the things I consider ‘wrong’ in my life, the things that bother me the most. The things I can and cannot control. I stomped, cried and obviously reached out and provided some unlucky member of my come up crew with a passionate and dramatic monologue about how my self imposed struggles are sooo hard to deal with. Then in true Shannon fashion, I got a look at myself in the mirror, felt pleased with what I saw, and went about my day.
Saying to myself aloud that I am offended by the results of my own behavior put a lot into perspective for me. I am uncomfortable with the things that are happening to me in my life, want more accountability for myself, but would rather give a good hard tantrum and journal entry about it. My follow-up on myself is trash, and I am offended by it.
Now don’t feel the need to defend me. I can see you now, telling me not to be so hard on myself and such. I’m easy on myself ALLLL THE TIME. Not all of you are aware of how I choose to indulge when I’m having a bad day or twenty minutes or half day. I’m not made to do and be wack when wack things happen, yet I have allowed myself the luxury of over coddling in certain situations and ignoring obvious needs out of laziness.
I’ll get to it later. I’lll get to me later.
We all are called to function on a certain level, whether you’re the Queen who operates an entire company, household and social life or the Queen who operates on herself alone. We take on what we need, want and deserve and each person desires a different level of working energy to control their lives.
I don’t wanna rule the world, I just wanna rule mine.