Being me is hard. I try to break up with myself but no one needs me more than I do. On the realest, the most abusive relationship I’ll ever be in is with myself.
No one can hurt me the way I do. I’ve seen a few dudes try, but just a heads up- you didn’t hurt me; I let you hurt me.
It’s because I’m depressed.
I don’t completely understand my personal ailments because I let them sit in the background of my life for the most part. I know that I have to take my diabetic medicine daily because my pancreas is faulty. I know if I miss dosages I’ll feel awful, so I stay as mindful as possible to take my meds. Sometimes that doesn’t always work out.
A lot of things happen in a divorce that I wasn’t prepared for as a housewife. A decade of things you take for granted that comes with a partner.
Health insurance. While some are healthy as oxen, ya girl is has Diabeetus, PTSD, and manic depression. Yes, all those times you have referred to me as a maniac were correct. A real live doctor gave me that diagnosis among others that aren’t mentioned after the twins were born. When you’re an anxious person who spent the first half of your baby’s life checking to make sure you didn’t kill him too, you are awarded not one but TWO blood pressure meds. But I’m not special, guys. One in six Americans are on antidepressants, and I can tell you it probably needs to be about 4 in six.
We had a joke going for a while, I wasn’t even good enough to be a trade-in. I laughed because I thought it was true, and because it was better than crying. It also meant that I couldn’t be traded in; everyone was stuck with these damaged goods.
Or if you tell me I’m stuck with you. I think I’d find it a bit flattering, middle children love belonging to something. Depends on who’s claiming me.
They actually aren’t, though. No one is stuck with me unless I say you are. And I’m not damaged goods. I’m a queen with an invisible crown, the life of a Queen ain’t supposed to be easy.
Once that ink dried on my papers, Shannon Hensley became Shannon McGill lost that insurance and y’all I already hit my deductible!! So bye bye $0 copays for meds, doctor visits, and therapy sessions. I went to therapy every week, I haven’t been since. I also had a psychiatrist to monitor my meds, haven’t seen him since January.
I’m maintenance or me to work properly. I’d hate to call it high maintenance, but if I want me to Make America Great Again, I gotta maintain me. AGAIN, I AM NOT SPECIAL. Everyone needs to maintain themselves in order to MAGA.
And guess what, y’all? Self-care is NOT a bubble bath to me. I love baths, but after the twins came I started imagining a Whitney Houston style exit so for now I decorate my tub with succulents and candles, waiting for the day for that feeling to subside. I’ll remind you again, this is not special. Nobody can see, so raise your hand if you’ve imagined your exit. See, I told you. I’m not alone.
Self care is making sure you have the things available for you to get through the day. I saw my meds and my therapy as a means for my current situation- part of me thought I could go without because one of my largest depressants was gone. What I failed to prepare for was how I’d feel about myself every time I stumbled upon a task that was left for him or a paid professional. How I’d feel about myself when I was unsure about a decision or received a form of rejection that hurt more than my ego. How I’d feel hearing my youngest do twin things alone.
Self care for me is not a glass of wine. Had I chosen wine over my current choice I would be dead right now. I would have drank myself to death. Partly because I’m diabetic and we aren’t even supposed to be drinking but also because I was in so much pain that I leaned on the only crutch I had in the house and put every last big of my weight on it. Had I chosen booze, I would be a sad memory.
I foolishly thought I could do life without meds and therapy. Raw dog life. lol. Nope.
I can’t. I should have known when I started to feel the detox from my meds. Dizziness, irritability, uncontrollable crying.
I should have known when I told my best friend that I was gonna make her boyfriend punch me in the face so he’d go to jail. She knew I was serious. I was serious. Seriously off my meds.
So if you came across a version of me that was scarier than usual, I can’t apologize; I was just off my meds.
If you’re in denial about the severity of your depression or anxiety and have questions, message me. If you wanna talk about your depression, message me. We aren’t special because we’re sick. We’re special because of what we can do while we’re sick.
Mental illness is so real and it affects us all differently. Never discount a person’s pain, healing and struggle. I look okay most of the time because I can, but I will always have a time when it’s harder than usual.
Which is why I will never denounce Kanye. I said what I said.